A leaked email chain from within the University reveals that the executive leadership are becoming increasingly concerned that BL sports clubs and societies are in fact poorly disguised cults designed to worship at the shrine of “The Old Logo”

 It is believed that many of the cults rely heavily on Move-In Day, where they place undercover sleeper agents within the BLSA Help Squad to reprogramme students’ minds to say they study at ‘Barts and The London’, rather than the University’s preferred option of ‘Queen Mary University of London, Barts and The London School of Medicine and Dentistry, a faculty within Queen Mary University of London (QMUL)’.

 And now, it appears that the University are looking to try alternative methods to counter the threat of the cults. A memo which circulated reveals the University is looking for ‘any staff members who look young-ish like’. An inside source revealed that this is part of a radical plan to plant their own agents within Help Squad, to counter-brainwash new students.

 All this has created a headache for new BLSA President Magen Tenants with reports coming in that not a single First Year has actually moved in Floyer, Dawson or Albert Stern yet due to a lack of genuine students on Help Squad.

Whitechapel Library steps into the future

The Whitechapel Library has taken a bold step forward in its efforts to match Mile End Library’s 24/7 opening hours with it’s new ‘Library at Home’ initiative. As part of the initiative student’s will have card scanners installed at their home and a little sign saying ‘Library’, which officially turns it into an outpost of the Library, and allowing them to work from home at any hour of the day.

Mummies and Daddies woe

There is widespread concern that students are taking Mummies and Daddies too seriously, after it was revealed that some Barts parents have insisted on being called ‘Mama’ or ‘Papa’ for years afterwards. Of particular concern is the establishment of a new Mummies and Daddies family court, which has produced rulings deciding joint custody arrangements after pairs have separated.

QMUL Creates new senior staff role

QMUL have announced the hiring of a new Vice-Principal Happiness to try improve student happiness at the University. It seems to be fuelled by the discovery of the QMC facebook page by the Principal, who was taken aback by the number of students who make fun of the University on the forum. In unrelated news, the University has signed a sponsorship deal with Green Pepper.