Queen Mary University of London have placed safety at the top of their list of things to do when they find the time (but they’re really busy right now). University leadership have brought in world-renowned security expert, Macaulay Culkin, who has drafted a set of measures which are set to roll out over the Christmas period.

Following an investigation which led to us obtaining the official drawing you see above, Circadian can exclusively reveal that one of the strategies being drawn up includes buying every student a personal Zorb Ball. It is believed this is due to the University misunderstanding the results of a focus group where students mentioned that University should be a ‘safe space’.

In addition to this, it seems that the University is also listening to student concerns over a lack of adequate lighting on campus, after students complained about how dark and unsafe it is outside of most building in Whitechapel such as the Library, Floyer House, Laird Hall, the Abernathy Building, the Blizard Building and the BLSA Building. According to University sources, their solution is to invest in library loans of military-grade night vision goggles to tackle this problem.

It remains to be seen if any of these measures will have a tangible effect in real life, but the University is optimistic that the solution lies with students being better prepared rather than making the campus safer or increasing security presence.