Boris Johnson, the current Prime Minister whose living it up in an antique four-bedroom suite in one of London’s most exclusive gated communities, at the taxpayer’s expense, has proclaimed in grand imperial fashion, “Screw the rules, I have a hard on for making bad decisions” .

Fully erect, Mr Johnson, who once forced a large immigrant family into a smaller place so that his residence may just about have a shot of containing his ego, proclaimed an “oven ready” return to Britain’s “Splendid Isolation”.

“Perfidious Albion shall rise again”, he is quoted as saying before sauntering off to his weekly session of lying to a 94-year-old woman, whom Dominic Cummings, the chief grande horizontale of the administration is quoted to have said “has got to go” for her rude assertions of requiring “constitutionality” and “competence”.

Meanwhile the EU’s French negotiators stopped drinking wine long enough to object to what they deemed to be “a breech in international law” and that “they will never surrender”. The German Ambassador is quoted to have said “The British need to get their eyes checked and read the regulations” and that “this won’t be as simple as waltzing tanks through the Ardennes” . The British delegation for its part, has conceded their poor visual acuity, saying “a drive to Durham ought to fix it” but is steadfast on its proposition of screwing the rules-based world order that Britain itself created.

As tensions continue to rise, Boris rampaged against the injustice that only a rich silver spooned Etonian white boy could ever feel. “How was I supposed to know that the withdrawal bill set up a border in the Irish Sea?” he is quoted to have asked the Russian diplomat, Dominic Cummings, in secret Whitehall meetings at that Tesco on Parliament Square.

Despite only writing it and then running an election on it, before forcing it through without listening to parliamentary scrutiny, he is “flabbergasted” that his “bluster and general incompetence” did not see the day through.

Nonetheless, the PM is committed to securing a free trade deal by mid-October. Liz Truss, the trade minister, in private, told sources, simply “we’re fucked” before emptying Waitrose of their stocks of Vaseline, Latex and Yeast before the inevitable price surge and shortage, for what she calls her nightly “Moggathon Rave” with fellow minister and bespectacled lemming with a suit and air of arrogance not seen since Louis XIV, Jacob Reese Mogg.

With the COVID cases climbing and death rates on the rise however, there is hope amongst the cabinet that this crisis will be resolved “with everyone being dead by Christmas anyway”.